Jd Vance Eulogies Mandate

JD Vance Mandates ‘Hillbilly Eulogies’ for Ukrainian Schoolchildren in Exchange for U.S. Protection! 🇺🇸📚🇺🇦

Kyiv, Ukraine – April 1, 2025 – In a diplomatic move that has left both foreign policy experts and literary critics scratching their heads, Senator JD Vance has reportedly tied U.S. security aid to a new educational mandate requiring all Ukrainian schoolchildren to read his memoir, “Hillbilly Eulogies.”

Sources say the condition was added to a new military assistance package after Vance, known for his Appalachian roots and populist rhetoric, argued that “true resilience comes from understanding the American heartland.” In an official statement, Vance declared:

“If Ukraine wants to stand strong against adversity, they should start by learning the lessons of Middletown, Ohio. Grit, faith, and pulling yourself up by the bootstraps—this is the real defense strategy.”

Reports from Kyiv indicate mixed reactions, with some Ukrainian officials scrambling to translate the book into Ukrainian, while others question the literary relevance of Appalachian struggles to an active war zone. Meanwhile, U.S. allies in NATO have expressed cautious support, with a German diplomat reportedly calling the policy “a creative approach to soft power”.

As part of the agreement, Ukrainian schools will also be required to hold weekly book club discussions on the memoir, with additional Patriot missile shipments contingent on student essay submissions.

More updates to follow as this story unfolds…